A Brit Abroad

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policomm:

(via Mediterranean Diet Foundation “The FDM introduces new Mediterranean Diet Pyramid)

The Mediterranean diet includes “… a leisurely pace in the kitchen and socialising at the table”   Key ingredients not to be forgotten.

So very true

(via Downtown Tripoli drag scene welcomes highly unconvincing newcomer | NewsBiscuit)

Supporters loyal to fugitive Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi have insisted that it is a ‘complete coincidence’ that in the days since his disappearance there have been a number of sightings of a rather unkempt new drag performer in the nightclubs of downtown Tripoli.

The act, who goes under the name of ‘Gena’, attracted curious glances last night from regulars at the trendy Tariq’s venue off Green Square during a show that promised a mixture of ‘popular camp classics’ and ‘traditional desert power ballads with a focus on militarism’.

‘When she took to the stage I thought there was something familiar about her,’ said audience member Harim Azul, ‘but then safari suits and sunglasses are a popular look in this part of the world. The regular costume changes showed a woman’s astute fashion sense, and dressing her backing singers as gun-toting female bodyguards was a nice touch given the current conflict.’

However, many punters expecting regular star turn ‘Barbara’ were enraged at having to fork out 600 dinar to watch newcomer ‘Mad Dog’ Gena.

‘She lacked Barbara’s vocal range and looked like she hadn’t shaved for three days,’ said one. ‘At first she tried to placate the crowd by insisting that she was pre-op and that the regular injections were playing havoc with her voice, but when that failed she denounced us as a bunch of perverts and threatened to attach electrodes to our testicles. I thought that showed a complete lack of awareness of the issues affecting the LGBT community here in Tripoli.’

Club owner Tariq Abdul, who booked Gena at short notice after Barbara came down with strep throat, says he has come to regret the decision. ‘Normally you can’t go wrong with ‘I Will Survive’, but she absolutely butchered it with a uniquely flawed vocal performance and constant references to US imperialism which I don’t recall in the original. Not only that, the dressing room wasn’t good enough for her and she insisted on setting up her own Bedouin tent in the car park.’

‘And as for turning up at the venue in a tank… Who does she think she is?’

Ryanair has robustly defended the introduction of ‘sky oars’ in their new sub-economy class. Each oar is operated by a row of three passengers and the designer, Patrick from Marketing, thinks they could help propel the aircraft. Stripped to the waist and heavily manacled, passengers in the new ‘Galley’ class can expect to save up to 20% on the price of a ticket.

“We discussed the practicalities of this in a sales ‘brainstorming’ session”, explained Patrick. “The oars will stick through the little windows on the sides of the plane, and we’ll employ a big, bald man in leather straps to keep rhythm on a huge bodhran. We’re pretty sure that by waggling the oars in time to the beat, the planes can be rowed through the clouds. This is going to be really popular, our customers have repeatedly shown us that they’ll do anything to save a couple of quid.”

It’s not the first time that the airline has attempted to woo their customers by making flights less comfortable. The move follows such initiatives as charging for toilets, ‘standing room only’ cabins, and in-flight clinical trials for pharmaceutical companies. Not all have been successful: the clinical trials were halted after a notable fall-off in duty-free sales.

Some of Ryanair’s staff are unhappy with the move. Speaking from their Paris terminal in Belgium, Maeve O’Leary voiced her safety concerns. “In an emergency, we’re expected to unshackle 200 passengers. The safety demonstration takes a lot longer now that we cover splinter removal, and we oppose the policy of ‘ramming’ other planes, in order to keep our time slots. If you ask me, someone dreamt this up over a couple of beers and a Ben Hur DVD. Although, it is nice to be able to whip the customers again”.

The Civil Aviation Authority has yet to approve the proposal: “We’re not convinced the plans will work, but then we didn’t think passengers would pay 40 quid for a boarding pass, either”, announced a spokesman. “This really doesn’t fall into our remit: there’s nothing ‘civil’ about flying with Ryanair.”

There has been limited support for the proposal. Green pressure groups have welcomed the new ‘hybrid’ aircraft, and comic archivists are embracing the return of a favourite old joke: ‘I’ve just flown in from Dublin, and boy, are my arms tired! And my luggage is missing.’

(via Ryanair defends use of ‘sky oars’ in new sub-economy ‘Galley’ class | NewsBiscuit)

The MoD today announced plans for a huge, heavily fortified timeshare facility, overlooking the beaches and minefields of the popular Falkland Islands. The islands have never been so sought-after, and the British military are keen to promote its facilities to retiring members of the armed forces.

“The new facilities are bound to be popular, the owners will be able to look straight out to sea. In fact, the lease agreement makes it compulsory, for a minimum of 4 hours a day”, explained Vice-Admiral Daley. “If they do spot anything suspicious, they should ring this siren.”

The resort features some sheltered housing, for the more infirm retirees. “It’s some of the most sheltered accommodation we’ve ever built: up to 8 foot thick in places. A warden is on-hand at all times, to assist with household tasks, shopping or ship identification. And they all feature security doors and windows, that can resist attack for up to 3 days”.

There are sports to keep the residents active, from small-bore pistol shooting to large-bore anti-aircraft drilling. “Games consoles such as the Wii are well-known for keeping the elderly sharp. They really love playing Tour of Duty and Medal of Honor”. The site features low-level bird tables to feed the penguins, a golf course with plenty of bunkers and pedalos are available for hire, with very low radar signatures.

Admiral Daley is hoping to encourage retired servicemen from other friendly nations. “we’re building some ‘flat top’ ferries jointly with the French, but it’s a little problematic. The British contingent complain about the food, and the French keep surrendering to oil rigs.”

(via MoD unveils Falklands ‘retirement villas’ | NewsBiscuit)